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A 3-step method to regain control when emotion takes over
A member of your team enters your office and shuts the door. Furious, he tells you that moments earlier, two colleagues ganged up on him in a meeting and told him to stop proposing “half-baked” ideas. “And nobody stood up for me!” he exclaims. He paces around the room, fuming.
This person is “in the box,” meaning that he’s been triggered by an event and is in a state of mind where his capacity for rational thinking is impaired.
There’s nothing special about this particular employee. All of us can be triggered and find ourselves in the box. But when one of your employees has this happen to them, you have a special responsibility as a leader to help them get out.
You can do this using a method known as ETC, which stands for Emotion, Truth, and Choice.
Emotion
It’s a good idea to start by addressing the person’s emotional hijacking through physicality. That’s because consciously shifting one’s physical state can reset the brain chemistry and help someone out of the box. Have the person take a deep breath, stand up and stretch their arms. Then, ask these questions:
“What emotions and physical sensations are you experiencing?”
The employee in our scenario might say something like:
- I feel angry and disrespected. I feel tension in my upper body.
“What are some examples of the negative self-talk – that is, what you might be saying to yourself — in this situation?”
- I’m not good enough to be on this team.
- No one respects my ideas.
- People always misinterpret what I say.
“If those things are true, what does it mean about you?”
- I have no future at this company.
- I’m terrible at selling my own ideas.
Truth
At this point you can again encourage the person to take a deep breath and stretch. Then help them connect to a positive truth about themselves, by recalling moments when they were at their best. Ask:
“What are some truths about your best moments when presenting ideas?”
- I presented my ideas confidently and concisely.
- The team supported me.
“Could you review your earlier negative self-talk, and ask yourself what is the truth about these statements now that you’ve had some time to reflect?”
- I said I wasn’t good enough to be on this team, but actually, I am. I’ve proven that in the past.
- I said no one respects my ideas, but when I’m at my best, they do.
- I said people always misinterpret what I say. That’s not so. But in this meeting, I was perhaps unclear and not persuasive enough.
Choice
Hopefully, your employee is now in a state where they can rationally choose what to do next. To encourage that process, ask these questions:
“What conscious choices can you make now?”
- I’d like to go home and reflect.
“What action can you commit to?”
- I’ll try to understand the context behind what happened today.
” What insights have you gained?”
- I’m not good at winging it, which is what I did in today’s meeting. To be at my best, I have to prepare extensively.
Putting it all together
To sum up, ETC — Emotion, Truth, Choice — is a method that helps people change both their physical and emotional state of mind when they’re trapped “in the box.”
The three steps are:
- Name the emotions and physical sensations you’re feeling.
- Identify key truths about yourself and about the trigger event.
- Commit to action steps that will get you out of the box.
This blog entry is adapted from the BTS Total Access micro video “Coaching Someone Out of the Box: The ETC Method.” If you’re a Total Access customer, you can watch the video here. If you’re not, but would like to see this video (or any of our other programs), request a demo and we’ll get you access.